Alligators everywhere!

I've had "one of those" weeks.

You know what I'm talking about -- the kind of week where your good intentions are taken wrong, your good efforts are criticized, your attempts to be proactive leave you no where. It was one of those weeks where even my Beagle was giving me "dirty looks." That's bad!

I don't count myself as an overly sensitive person, but enough is enough!

As I struggled through a land-mine-ridden day, something happened this afternoon that improved my mood.

A letter from a recent participant on a sales incentive trip that I helped host appeared in my in-box. It was a thank you note for the sincere hugs I gave him and his wife as they left to return home. If you know me well, you know I'm not a natural "hugger." I like hugs and to hug, but I'm very selective in that show of affection. In this case, Larry is preparing to retire from a long, successful career. He was recognized in front of the group on the trip (to Mexico), and that meant a lot to him. But his kind note not only indicated his gratitude for the recognition, but a special thanks for a presentation I gave to the group about "keeping your load and your limits in balance." It was a God-powered message to a business audience. Larry got the message. Larry appreciated the message; as did his wife. His bear hug was acknowledgement of a shared commitment to excellence in life -- not just business. Too cool!

His letter adjusted my attitude. I realized that no matter how many alligators are swimming around me, they can't stop me from being a voice like Larry's in someone else's life.

I'm off to do that now. I feel much better!

Confronting with Grace

Do you ever feel like every time you confront something that needs to be addressed you are simply raising your head to be shot at?

Lately, I've had many opportunities to enter into discussions where a behavior or a comment or an approach to a situation needs corrected/addressed. I really try to not get involved where I shouldn't. But this appears to be a season of "need to confront." The challenge, of course, is that in confronting "issues" we are always confronting people.

I've learned some vital lessons about confrontation:
1. It's necessary for growth/health of relationships (ergo, it's a "good thing")
2. It's hard. You don't wake up wanting to do it, because to do it well means taking "you" out of it -- and any desire for punishment/revenge.
3. You have to just as open to receiving as you are to giving.


Today, I confronted school officials for an extremely condesending and pompus e-mail received by all parents with students in a particular school activity. I was professional, polite, and measured in my response. It was absent any "in kind" tone and minus any personal defense of myself, my husband or my step son.

My desire was that my response would "fix" the situation.

It won't.

Confrontation that works is more than a response. All I've done to-date is make them aware of my discontent. What I realized (after sending it) is that I have opened the door to what can be growth if I'm willing to invest in the relationships. I need to understand their point of view, offer assistance where I can, and establish boundaries in the process that are consistent with me as parent -- them as school officials. That's what confronting in grace for the purpose of growth means.

I'd rather return a polite and well-written (if I do say so myself) piece of prose that "makes them" stop...change... whatever. It's not that easy.

Help me with your wisdom by weighing in on how to confront well and achieve more than "getting it off your chest."

Thanks!

Obedience in the trenches

If you ask me if I desire to be obedient to God, I will joyfully exclaim, "Yes, Lord, I will follow you! Just show me what you want me to do."

But when I considered that being obedient meant helping my Dad move into a new home this past weekend, I admit I didn't jump for joy.

Moving is never a fun process. The inevitable back ache, scraped knuckles, and stubbed toe were part of it all. But the really difficult thing was obeying. Dad was very grateful for the help; still his style is calling out orders and having me jump, fetch, open, close, reach, pick up, hold this, grab that... You get the picture.

I'm 46-years-old. It's been almost 30 years since I lived at home. Following orders was way more challenging than I'd anticipated. I didn't always respond with grace and kindness. I did get short with him a few times. I even barked at my sweet husband who was serving both Dad and me with grace.

The bottom line is that I forgot who I was serving. Even though I love my Dad and want to help him, I want to do it on my terms. Being told what to do at each step took me back to a place where I was a powerless kid. It didn't feel very good. Nonetheless, it was good for me.

I was forced to face the fact that in being obedient to God, I will need to be obedient in service to others on their terms, not mine. It was also a powerful "mirroring" of how I can render my step-sons powerless when I dictate how and when things should be done.

Those aches hurt worse than my back, but they are, I pray, growing pains.

Where's the Line?

"In your anger do not sin," The Apostle Paul told first century Christians in Ephesus. The Apostle Peter said that a woman's beauty "should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."

I agree with both wise men.

Yet Jesus got angry when warranted while, of course, not sinning. He was not a passive man. Peter and Paul were not passive Christ followers, either. One example of Jesus' righteous anger is told by the Apostle John. He told of Jesus' anger at those doing commerce in the Temple -- men taking advantage of the sacred space for personal gain. John reported: "So he made a whip out of cords, and drove all from the temple area, both sheep and cattle; he scattered the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables."

Point made.


So yesterday, I had an angry moment and acted upon it. I'm interested in your thoughts about my behavior.

Brad, the boys, and I were at the Illini football game in Champaign. My alma mater was winning. All was well. Then, it became clear we had three fans from Purdue (Illinois' opponent) sitting three rows behind us who were becoming increasingly verbal and obnoxious. A few weeks earlier we had been at a Bear's game in Chicago with loud and annoying fans behind us. But in Chicago, the extent of the tirade could be characterized as redundantly "cranky." No swearing; just the comments of wanna-be athletes who could have and would have done everything right if on the field.

But in Champaign yesterday, the verbal assault escalated from nasty comments about my team and the refs to a loud proclamation of how Illini players must have performed sex acts (described) to buy off the refs. I heard it once, and boiled. Still, I sat still and prayed. Then, one of them said it again. And whether empowered by the Holy Spirit or just over my edge, I stood to my feet and took 'em all on -- loudly.

I yelled, "That's it! You are done. One more vulgar word and security will be here to take all of you out. You can cheer all you want for your team. You can cheer all you want against mine. But you will not continue to swear and be vulgar. I have children here and I will not stand for it. What's it gonna be?"

As bullies do, they blamed each other and claimed to have not said what they said. Very unbecoming for young men who fancied themselves so cool.

Other fans in our section applauded. Bravos and high-fives followed.

I felt weirdly rattled. It certainly wasn't a gentle word to those Purdue fans -- but was it an unloving or sinful rebuke? I don't think so, but I was suddenly questioning myself. As God's representative, was I appropriate? The boys were impressed, but we talked a lot about the difference between being annoyed and being assaulted by someone's language or actions.

The fact is, they stopped the vile spew. They were still annoying, but within acceptable football behavior.

I don't want to be "the sheriff," but I will stand for what's right and that means confronting what's not.

I'm sure there is a range of opinions on this one -- and I'd love to hear yours.

Realist or Defeatist?

I am a firm believer that facing reality as objectively as humanly possible is a good thing. I believe in seeking and accepting truth, regardless of how I feel about it. That "bent" makes me a fierce defender of God's Word as Truth. It can also cause me to sometimes prepare for the worst in a way that limits hope for the best.

I'm a realist. So when my 11-year-old spaniel, Calli, was diagnosed as having significant changes in her liver consistent with cancer, I immediately braced for the inevitable.

If you've followed this blog, you know I have numerous friends who have fought or are fighting courageous battles with cancer. I hate cancer. I mean I really hate it. Add to that the fact that I've had to euthanize four canine family members in the last nine years, and you might see why I simply resigned myself to enduring another loss. My realism helps me cope, but it doesn't always leave room for the hope that is so vital for understanding that God's in charge.

Calli had a biopsy a week ago today. Yesterday, the Vet called and left a message for me that the test results were back. I put off returning the call until I couldn't stand it anymore.

"I have good news," were the first words out of his mouth. "There is no cancer. She has a form of hepatitis that needs intensive antibiotic treatment. But if she responds, she can fully recover. In fact, the tests show that the liver is starting to regenerate itself."

Wow.

I hadn't left open the possibility for good news in my brain or heart.

As I celebrated Calli's good news, it hit me that in what is a good quest to face reality, I need to leave open the possibility of surprise.

My professor and friend Bob always says, "God's grace never ceases to surprise or sustain." He's right. I won't have Calli forever. And the fact is that she's been the most high maintenance, neurotic dog I've ever encountered. But God is using her to teach me...and for that I am grateful, and increasingly hopeful.

Happy Talk

When my brother was 17, he pleaded with our parents to help him buy a purple pickup truck. Ok, it was the ‘80s -- and he thought this truck was the coolest thing he’d ever seen. It would give him freedom and let him help out more (Right!). Mostly, it would give him a chance with what he wanted most -- teen babes! This truck would make him happy.

He tried logic with my dad and emotion with my mom. I think he even suggested that he would pick me up from volleyball practice, if he had this truck. That truck would make him happy. Well, they gave in. And guess what? In weeks, that perfect, purple truck had been misused, and abused. I don’t ever recall him picking me up from anywhere.

He kept the truck until it literally fell apart years later. But it stopped making him happy in no time at all. It wasn’t satisfying in the same way it was after he had it. It didn’t markedly improve his teenage love life. Plus, he had to pay for gas, insurance, and oil changes. The truck wasn’t the source of happiness it had promised. It came with responsibility! It let him down.

We all want to be happy -- to be satisfied. And yet it’s so easy to get caught up in chasing what we think happiness is all about, only to be disappointed. Sometimes it can make you wonder if happiness even exists -- or if it’s always fleeting. Well, there’s good news.

God gives us the keys to permanent happiness through His grace and from His owners’ manual for how to operate our lives.

Are you interested?

Psalm 1 spells it out pretty plainly:
Happy is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, or stand in the way of sinners, or sit in the seat of mockers.

But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night.

He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season, and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.

Not so the wicked! They are like chaff that the wind blows away.

Therefore, the wicked will not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.

For the LORD watches over the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked will perish.

The Psalms are the prayer book of the ancient Israelites. They are poetry. This psalm compares and contrasts two kinds of people -- those who know and honor God (the righteous) and those who refuse to do either (the wicked).

What is God saying through this psalm?


1. Our happiness/satisfaction comes largely from what we DON’T do.

Happy is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers.

Wrong actions -- We do things we have to rationalize
Wrong attitudes -- Are you the center of your attention?
Wrong influences -- Who do you listen to?

These keep us from the best God has for us.
So how do we avoid these traps?
- Understand who’s in control, and ask for help.
- Diagnose your specific issues.
- Stop it -- with God's power!

2. Our happiness and satisfaction comes from learning and loving God’s way
But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night.

There are rules, but it’s not all about rules.

- Accept that God wants the best for you and that His “way” is understandable and possible to follow. The good father wants to protect his child.
- Understand the fact that your way isn’t God’s way. Surrender.
- The good father offers child a relationship based on love.


3. Our happiness/satisfaction comes from connection to the source of life.

He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.

- God’s grace connects us to the source of life.
- The tree represents the result of connection to the source of life.
- What Jesus did for us makes us righteous, not our behavior.
- No fruit is produced without being rooted with access to life-giving water.
- Acknowledge what you are -- flawed and precious to God at the same time.
- Spend time getting “rooted” with people, with God in prayer, with the Bible.


God doesn’t promise you a purple truck, or a better job, or reconciliation with someone who’s walked away, or a pain free future. He does promise to change you -- if you choose to surrender and to follow His way.

Not so the wicked! They are like chaff that the wind blows away. Therefore, the wicked will not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous. For the LORD watches over the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked will perish.

God views us as His or as separate from Him -- righteous or wicked.

We have the choice:
Happiness and permanence in a deeply rooted life --or--
Dissatisfaction and temporary straw houses that end in death.

God loves you. Choose Him. Choose life!

There is Hope!

When the alarm went off today at 5:42 a.m., I groaned. I have a good old fashioned cold and had spent a good part of the night coughing. But my feet hit the floor extra early today because my 14-year-old stepson was willing to participate in the "See You at the Pole" event at his high school. "See You" is a nationwide event where students lead prayer while standing around their school's flag pole 45 minutes before school begins -- which, in this case, was 6:30 a.m.


As I woke Ben, he wasn't sure about his decision any longer; but he did get up, shower and wander downstairs for breakfast. We left the house at 6:15, while Brad ate breakfast with William and prepared to take him to school.



This is Ben's first year of high school and while he's well liked, the social pressure has certainly stepped up from junior high. When I pulled into the parking lot, he was a bit "freaked" about not seeing anyone he knew. It was, after all, still dark.

As I approached the circle drive to drop him off (Parents are NOT part of this -- and that's really a good thing!), I could see 50-plus sleepy students around the flag pole. Dozens more cars were pulling in behind me. Wow! The previous junior high years had surfaced maybe 20-30 kids total.

Although I tried to hide it, I began to cry.

"I'm proud of you," I said.

"OK?" he replied.

"You get that God comes first and you're willing to honor him. So are all the rest of these people. How cool is that?" I said.

"Sure. See you later," he said as he opened the door and closed it behind him.

You see, I didn't "get it" for sooooooo long. If there were these kinds of events when I was a kid, I knew nothing of them, and likely wouldn't have attended if I had known.

I am truly moved by kids who are stepping up and out -- and EARLY -- for their faith in God. This wasn't a "show up and be popular" event. It was about kids who really were there for the right reasons. That blows me away.

When and where do we stand up and out like that?

I'm humbled -- and hopeful for the future of humanity.

Dream On!

About a decage ago, I led a small group focused on "People Who Love People Who Struggle." The purpose of the group was to support and guide those of us who were in relationship with people who suffered with clinical depression and related illnesses.

As you might imagine, a critical point for all of us was the need for self care -- not selfish care -- but for taking good care of ourselves as well as our loved ones.

I vividly remember the night we talked about dreams. I asked everyone to close their eyes. Then, I asked them to release their minds to dream about what made their hearts pound -- what they were passionate about -- what caused them to smile. There were a lot of tear-stained faces in the room.

It was a great thing to get in touch with our dreams, but the emotion came from the angst of just dreaming about getting through the day, or from the often unrealized dreams we had for our loved ones. Faced with articulating our own heart's desires caused fear and simultaneously ignited hope and a collision of what might be, what could have been, and what may never be.

I shared Psalm 34 with the group: "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." I explained that the Psalm DOESN'T mean God blesses all our desires; but it DOES mean that if we stay focused on Him and His ways, His desires will become ours.

That was a head-shift for many. We started praying about how to more deeply delight in who God is and asked Him to share His desires for our lives with us.

Jenny was a member of the group who took this to heart. She was a young, relatively sheltered young woman who was very close with her family and hadn't experienced a lot of the world outside of central Illinois. But God was speaking His desires into her heart. Jenny shared with the group a deep passion to work with orphans in Africa. In the beginning, it was simply a great dream -- a nice diversion from the issues that she was going through. But as God does when He plants a desire in a heart, Jenny grew increasingly burdened by this dream (in a good way!). She started investigating opportunities. She faced resistance from well-intended people who feared for her safety. She faced internal resistance about how to raise money, leave her friends and dog, and the like. Still, Jenny's dream kept growing.

It hasn't been all smooth sailing, but Jenny has been on an incredible journey over the last seven years or so. She has traveled the world as a chaperone for the African Childen's Choir and has been involved with orphanages in various African countries.

I just received an update from her this week. Jenny has a rental house in Nkomazi, South Africa. She is a member of the Music For Life staff serving some of Africa's most vulnerable children with God's love and grace. Jenny is living her dream and loving it!

Jenny was sent to Africa on her life's mission -- her dream.

We are all being asked to "go" for God. It may be to the room down the hall, the school up the street, the corner office, or the ends of the earth. Be willing to "go." Be willing to dream. Be willing to share that dream.

You can start with the prayer, "God, help me delight in who you are and the wonders of your ways. Plant your desires for my life in my heart and help them grow."

Let me know what happens!

Funny -- and True!

So I was searching a real estate website last night for ranch houses or condos in Bloomington... My dad lives in Peoria and is considering moving. I found a house I wanted to see more about and the website required me to register. I hate that, but I entered my name, e-mail address, etc. and then the next empty box was labeled: "Where do you want to be?"

What it meant was "What town do you want to search in?" -- but I thought it was like a password that you could literally enter "where you want to be" and remember it for subsequent log-ins. So, I entered "Heaven." After the fourth time of trying to get the site to accept my answer, I figured out what I was doing wrong.

I blushed with embarrassment and then laughed out loud. After all, heaven is my permanent address -- but I don't need to search for a house, Jesus is taking care of my every need.

Yea!

Chance Encounter

I was in Chicago last week for the annual shareholder meeting of my employer. I oversee the execution of the meeting with the capable, professional help of staff and a production company that arranges for the set, lighting, visual productions, etc. My friend and colleague Bill is an owner of the production company. Bill is 75 and not even considering slowing down, let alone retiring. I consider Bill family. As such, I've been praying for, and a few times with, him for many years. Bill is a skeptic when it comes to religion -- and for some good reasons. I simply want him to know truth; the most fundamental truth of who Jesus was, is, and always will be. I want Bill in heaven with me.

We've had some good conversations over the years, but there's always a stiff-arm to the idea of accepting such a "crazy" idea. Bill is a self-made, self-sufficient man. They (as I personally know well!) are the toughest to bring to an understanding of their own need and the provision God offers.

So, I pray, and I try to model God's character to Bill.

But last week, an open door came in a remarkable way. Stay with me on this one...

Bill was getting his shoes shined in the hotel. As Bill often does with strangers, he had made fast friends with the shoe shine man. As I came down the hall, Bill hollered, "Ann, Ann, you have to meet Jason."

I headed over to the shoe shine stand and Bill introduced me to Jason, a former Marine (I guess you're always a Marine, right?) who coaches a youth track team, writes poetry, and shines shoes in the Hilton Chicago.

Now, I hate to admit this, but I would have never bothered to meet Jason had Bill not flagged me down. I would have walked right by him dozens of times during the week. But this "chance encounter" was prearranged.

You see, as we discussed Jason's desire to help kids, he quoted Scripture. I answered, "Amen, brother." We made eye contact in acknowledgment of our shared commitment to the Lord.

Jason then proceeded to share a poem with me. His poem was titled, "Who am I?" It was a beautiful summary of Jesus' birth, death, and resurrection. It was the gospel as "in your face" as it gets -- all of this with Bill still on the shoe shine stand.

While Jason spoke, I prayed for Bill to have open ears and an open heart.

I don't know if Bill took the message to heart, but I do know it was spoken more directly and beautifully than any conversation I might have tried to orchestrate.

Days later, Brad and I were headed out to dinner and Jason was at his stand. I walked over and asked him if he remembered Bill. He did. I told him of the years I've prayed, and I thanked him for his boldness in powerfully delivering the good news. Jason's eyes, and mine, filled with tears as he thanked me for letting him know.

In a week that involved reporting billions of dollars in sales, eating like royalty, staying in opulent "digs," taking in top-notch entertainment, and glad-handing with nearly 1,000 meeting guests, it was the encounter with Jason, a man not at all defined by his occupation, that will stay with me...and, I pray, will stay with Bill.

Taking Inventory

I've agreed to a preaching assignment in November that's titled: "If you knew my past..."

It sounded like a wonderful challenge when I agreed. I do find that there is great impact in being real and sharing what God's done in my life. But as I sat down to list out "What I want 'you' to know I am" and "What I'd much prefer 'you' never knew" a formerly familiar feeling crept into my heart and mind... Shame.

Shame, in the Bible, is used to point to guilt. And, clearly, I'm guilty of many failures that have hurt God's heart. Still, that fact of being guilty and the FEELING of shame are two different things entirely.

You see, God forgives, redeems, frees, and makes new. Having confessed my failures and accepted His gift of grace, I am free from the guilt and the feelings of condemnation. So why now? Why is the shame monster attacking me?

The evil one, Satan, doesn't like stories of redemption and will bring his full-on effort to tell you (me) that: "Those things you did are really who you are. You are a fake -- your real character is scum -- no one will respect you anymore if you share the truth. If they know your past...they will reject, leave, loathe, look down on, or pity you."

Oh, yes... Isn't that the point of the sermon in the first place? Defeating the lies and ushering in God's Truth and light on who I am in him is what offers hope.

So, into the battle I go! Who's with me?

My Friend Jerry - Part 4

Back to my friend Jeremiah the Old Testament prophet...

Jerry’s life makes for a good story.

His character adds depth to the story.

But the whole story of my friend Jerry is more about God than Jeremiah’s life or his character.

Every story in the Bible is about God. He is the hero of each one. His life and his character are what matters.

Jerry’s God, the only God, desires a personal relationship with each of his children.

God brings exile for a purpose -- to ask for our obedience. He tells the people of Israel, through Jeremiah, to make the best of what they have. He asks them to plant gardens, build homes, marry, and have children while in exile. That goes against our mindset of waiting until our circumstances change before investing in the “good stuff” of life. While Jerry was in prison, God told him to buy a field in enemy territory. It made no sense to anybody else. But God was making a point: "This will be your home again, sometime. Invest in your life now -- where you are at -- up against everything you are up against.

Do you hear that? Invest what you have now!

It get’s REALLY personal at this point. Aren't we all are holding back something or hiding in some way from God and from someone we know we should engage more fully?

*God himself, like Jeremiah, endured humiliation
(Phil 2:5-11 - the sacrifice and the resurrection power)

*God is our hope… Jesus’ sacrifice and resurrection!
Jerry’s story, like every human’s in the Bible, simply points us to Jesus and our need for him.

*God is with us
Jer 29:12-13:
"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Jer 31:3-4:
"The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness. I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt... Again you will take up your tambourines and go out to dance with the joyful."

God is with us!

Jeremiah later prays about all that he is thankful for, and he makes the point that nothing is too hard for God.

Nothing is too hard for God -- even sending his son to earth to live and die for us -- each of us. Talk about loneliness! Can you even imagine that moment when Jesus cries out to Father God, “Why have you forsaken me?” and God -- for the sake of each of us -- must allow his son to die.

Nothing is too hard for God. Not even your loneliness. That’s why Jesus came, endured humiliation, and made the sacrifice he did.

Exile of Israel more than 2,500 years ago, my personal exile, your exiled times -- all of it is part of God’s biggest story of victory. He is all about creating and re-creating (God creates, God judges evil, God saves and restores, and God re-creates).

We can endure suffering with God’s grace. God redeems suffering through grace -- that’s Jesus’ story and the only one that matters.

God promised Jeremiah repeatedly -- “I am with you. I will rescue you. I will not let you fail or be overcome by your enemies.”

He means that!

There is no storybook happy ending for Jeremiah, but his life was lived fully. It was rich. He knew God deeply. He honored God and was honored by God. His was a story worth telling and worth living.

But what if you are stuck in a lonely, muddy pit today?

God wants to hear your heart cry -- your story. He wants to use and transform your hardships and heartaches.

The Circle of Life

Thank you for your prayers! I felt them mightily, and God granted me composure to lead Molly's service. There were 800+ in attendance, some 150 of whom stood for the 70 minute program. Molly would have loved a standing room only crowd to hear about Jesus. And they did!

She was remembered with laughter and tears by dear friends and family -- several of whom witnessed to her faith. I was honored to deliver the gospel message to the crowd in what I pray was a simple, concise, and personal way. Later, a woman came up to me and said, "I can't believe you were bold enough to just lay out the gospel in a public university building."

I must say, it hadn't occurred to me that it might be an issue for some. Oh well! Thank you, God, that I don't worry about such things.

As the service ended, it was sad to notice that we never get all our "peeps" in the same room until our funeral. I met so many awesome women who were also Molly's friends -- and her sister, brothers, and nieces were so very welcoming of me as family. It's hard to know that few of the "we have to get together again" and "we need to have lunch" comments/intentions will likely come to pass.

In a way, a circle is broken, because Molly had been the hub.

On the other hand, it was so cool to see Molly's daughter Haley with her friends after the service. Haley was in the middle of a circle of girls -- laughing. A new circle formed...

My friend Jeff reminded me that heaven is the big, unbroken circle with enough time to connect with everyone. Glimpses here. Reality there.

'til then, Molly, goodbye!

Call of Duty

Heartland Community Church's pastor, Roger, is at his mother's 90th birthday party today in West Texas. Ruth is a twin, and she and her sister get to celebrate 90 years of sisterhood with family. As it should be...

That means, however, that Roger is not in town to perform Molly's "celebration of life" service today. I will do so at 3 p.m. in a ballroom on the Illinois State University campus. I'm honored to be asked. I desired to be involved. I do beleive I'm called to minister in a public way. And...I'm scared. Not of the crowd or the speaking and handling of program elements, but of the unexpected nature of grief -- my grief.

If there is one thing I've learned about grief over the years, it's that you don't control or predict what it will do. It comes in waves that you can't always see approaching. Sometimes you ride them well. Sometimes you get swallowed and swirled around in the sand, seaweed, and saltwater.

My desire is to be poised and a stablizing force for Molly's family. But I also know I don't have complete control over that. Funny, isn't it, that surrendering control is a big point in today's message to those who will gather.

So, I pray and ask God to use it all -- my words, my preparation, my intentions, and my grief to bring Him glory and honor as we all say "see you soon" to Molly.

No More Pain

Revelation 21:4:"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

Molly met Jesus face-to-face yesterday afternoon. I'm thrilled for her -- sad for me and all who love her.

Cancer had attacked her strong, beautiful body and broke it down until she could no longer sustaintain life here on earth. But today, and for all eternity, she will have no more pain because of her relationship with her Savior who paid the price to overcome death.

Molly didn't worry about herself much, but she did have concerns about her family and how they would get along without her. Molly was one of those "superwomen" I identify with so well. She worked hard to earn a good living, took care of her family's needs, kept up with friends, planned schedules, balanced issues -- all bobbing and weaving like a pro.

But Molly had learned that she didn't have control over the world (like we "superwomen" would prefer). She learned to love and live in the moment. Her example will stay with me.

I'm numb today. I was so glad to spend time with her last weekend. Now I'd give anything for one more visit.

Someday, we'll meet again. In the meantime, I pray I can take a page from her book and learn that it's not what we do -- but who we are -- that matters.

Honoring Molly

From Psalm 84
1 How lovely is your dwelling place,
O LORD Almighty!
2 My soul yearns, even faints,
for the courts of the LORD;
my heart and my flesh cry out
for the living God.
3 Even the sparrow has found a home,
and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may have her young—
a place near your altar,
O LORD Almighty, my King and my God.
4 Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
they are ever praising you.
5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.
6 As they pass through the Valley of Baca,
they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools.
7 They go from strength to strength,
'til each appears before God in Zion...

Molly is still among us today. I want to write this tribute before she leaves us.

As the Psalm says, our hearts yearn for God's dwelling place -- for home.
Molly spent her days on earth in quest of creating and finding "home."

As a wife and mom, her strength in establishing home base for her family was abundantly evident. It was job one. A welcoming haven for kids, dogs, friends, and family, she made. It will endure.

As director of admissions for Illinois State University, Molly made a home for students, investing in them personally, choosing to be an advocate for those who needed one. It's funny, but when anyone first met Molly, she would say, "Oh, I work in admissions at ISU." Her humility was a part of what made ISU home for many, including my own niece.

As a Christ-follower, Molly came to find her church home at Heartland Community Church in Normal, Ill. Building from the foundations of her faith throughout her life, I was blessed to witness Molly engage a deep, personal, and joyful relationship with Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior -- and with Heartlanders (like me) who became "family." I experienced her passion for God's word -- for Truth.

As a child of God, Molly yearned for her eternal home, but struggled with leaving those she loved behind. We struggle with letting her go. But she is going home. Her homemaking on earth is about to be complete. Well done, Molly!

Molly is as strong of a person as I've known. So I repeat from Psalm 84:

...Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength, 'til each appears before God in Zion...

Go in peace, Miss Molly.

Cancer Sucks

I apologize if anyone is offended by the title of today's post -- yet I'm standing by it.

Five years ago,my dear friend and ministry partner, Cynthia, died after battling cancer 5 times over 20 years. It was Mother's Day. Her only child was graduating from college the next weekend. She hadn't been "bad" -- just dehydrated from chemo. She was committed to being a document of God's work in this world. She was. She loved well.

My dear friend Sally continues her battle with Pancreatic cancer. If anybody can "whip it" -- it's Sally. Yet I see what she's gone through, and just this week how she's grieving for the loss of two friends to the dreaded disease. Sally, too, is a living testimony to God's goodness and power; and her passion for life is unparalleled.

My friend and cherished professor, Bob, is fighting for his life. No way to remove or treat his cancer. Still he teaches, lives to the full, and spreads the Word.

This morning, I found out another dear, dear friend is in hospice care. Molly's been a bible study partner, a giggling girlfriend, a deep diver into the things of life, and perhaps the funniest human being God ever created. Molly overcame the C-word more than once before and was doing ok until very recently. We had been texting about getting chocolate milkshakes soon. Now she's slipping away from this world -- from her family -- from me.

I know God is good. I know Molly and the others mentioned are assured of being in His arms for eternity. I know their suffering has purpose. I know God is close to those who mourn. And I know that all those things will matter to me again soon. But right now, they sound hollow.

Cynthia had buttons that said "Cancer Sucks." She handed them out to everyone. I still have one.

I'm going home and put it on.

My Friend Jerry - Part 3

Our praise honors God and changes us…

The exile for the people in Israel was because they would not be obedient to God. He wanted them to know him, to love him. He wanted to bless them, but they didn’t see it. They wouldn’t respond.

We all face our own exile. It is a lonely time. It can either serve to point us to who God is and what he is asking of us in terms of obedience -- or it can bring us to the conclusion that he doesn’t care about us, about me.

My time of exile lasted a few years. It was an extended period of loss, grief, and deep loneliness. Exile has the potential to rob us of our peace and health. I recall being so lonely that despite having wonderful friends who really wanted to “be there” for me, I couldn’t find comfort in that. I remember one particularly painful day driving downtown Bloomington to the Jesus Coffee House where I have spoken many times and come to love the people who frequent that amazing place. Why did I go there? I didn’t know at the time, but looking back it was because somehow I knew Jesus would be here. He was my only hope. I sat and cried with Bonnie who leads the ministry there. I hurt badly, but I knew God was with me.

Pain is pain, and I don’t claim that my story is special or particularly “bad.” We don’t help ourselves by trying to compare stories. Three things I do know to be true:
1. Push in on anyone with a few questions and you will find pain and loneliness, regardless of how good their life is. Simply ask, “Who hurt you?” “Who have you hurt?” “When have you been left hanging… misunderstood or abandoned?” The answers will be revealing.
2. We can overcome the pain with God’s power
3. We do come back from exile, but only if obedient to learning what God has for us there and always one baby step at a time.

God didn’t change my circumstances. He changed me.

A few months after that day at the Jesus Coffee house, I was in the process of selling my 120-year-old house when a nasty hailstorm rolled through, stripping the roof and siding, breaking windows, and filling the dirt-floored basement with muddy water. When I opened the door to the basement, my first instinct was to shut it -- to go to bed -- and to convince myself it would take care of itself.

I could have called for help -- but I didn’t. I went downstairs with a plastic cup. Why a plastic cup? Only God knows! I knew there were many better ways to deal with a flooded basement, but for the next four hours -- one cup of muddy water at a time -- I moved the mess to a drain. It was crazy. It was frustrating. But the strangest thing happened. I felt God’s presence -- not in a joyful, happy way -- but in a “you are not alone” way. With every muddy cup of water, I knew he was with me. After a while, I started to see progress. My body and my spirit ached, but I overcame the mess and I walked back from exile. God was with me. I was pulled up out of the muddy pit I’d been left in, one muddy cup of water at a time.

We all face exile and its loneliness. How will we handle it? Will we do so with perseverance, clinging to truth, with obedience, and with honest comments to God and others about how we feel? Or will we defy God, go our own way, deny truth and blame him or someone else for our life, or pretend our hurt and loneliness doesn’t matter?

We all make that choice, whether we think about it or not. When we choose God, we are never truly alone. When we choose to defy God, we will find loneliness at the end of every road.

Jeremiah didn’t get up every day to face rejection -- he got up to meet with God. He listened, spoke, and acted. He was obedient, and that’s what mattered.

As Eugene Peterson writes, “Faith invades the struggle; it doesn’t eliminate it.”

There are more lessons from my friend Jerry, come back!

My Friend Jerry - Part 2

God came to Jeremiah when he was a boy. He told Jerry that his purpose in life was to tell the people in Jerusalem and all of the country at the time to come back to him. They were living life without acknowledging God. Jeremiah was told that he should continue to repeat God’s message -- over and over and over. He was also told that the very few people would respond.

Jerry responded like any rational person would: “No thanks, God! I’m too young. This doesn’t sound like the life for me.”

But God said, “Yes, you -- dude. (Ok, that’s a paraphrase!) Even before I formed you in your mother’s womb, you were set apart for this mission -- to speak my word to the nations.”

Jerry’s mission was to be a truth-teller, without concern over the outcome. The results were up to God. The results are always God’s responsibility. Jeremiah was simply called to obey God. That is what each of us are called to do -- to obey God.

We each have a mission -- a specific role that only you can accomplish. And we have God’s support to see us through. Your mission matters…and it starts and ends with obedience.

And as simple as obedience might sound, it requires us to be melted of all of our selfishness, anger, and fear and molded into the character of God. It’s like a piece of metal being forged in a fire.

Not everyone leaps at the chance to sign up for that training camp -- but those who do find a richness and fullness to life that money, homes, possessions, jobs, and even families can never provide. Men and women who do let God guide and mold them are never, ever alone. Do you have the heart to be one of them?

Because Jerry said “yes” to God’s mission for his life, his character was crafted by the master-craftsman:

Jerry was strong because of God’s strength
He took the challenge of being transformed into a “fortified bronze wall” according to the book of Jeremiah (1:18-19 and 15:20). It requires “forging” to become a bronze wall… God promised to be always with him and to save him -- not from heartache, but from being overcome by evil. God repeatedly tells him, “I am with you and I will rescue you.”

Jerry had hope (Lam 3:19-25)
“I remember my affliction and my wandering -- the bitterness... I remember, and my soul is downcast…” he said. “Yet… I have hope because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness (God).”
Jerry’s hope was not in himself, his family, his country or his lotto numbers; it was in God.

Jerry was obedient. He kept going despite his circumstances. (17:16 - “I have not run away from being your shepherd”). He spent 23 years “truth telling” with no response! How did he do it? He knew it was truth whether or not people responded to it. He clung to truth.

Jerry was strong, he had hope, he was obedient -- and this is critical --
Jerry was honest…open…real. He cried out. At one point, he was weary and concerned that God has forgotten him. He said, “Remember me and come for me. I don’t want to be alone.” God assured him again that he was with him. Jeremiah got upset again and begged God to get on with accomplishing what he planned to do -- to bring judgment against the evil nations opposing Israel. He was tired and lonely. Jeremiah eventually reached desperation after being arrested -- again -- and put in stocks and publicly mocked for announcing God’s judgment -- doom and gloom that has not materialized. He launched a powerful, honest, gut wrenching rant at God. In Jeremiah 20:7-13 we hear his heart:

O LORD, you deceived me, and I was deceived; you overpowered me and prevailed. I am ridiculed all day long; everyone mocks me. Whenever I speak, I cry out proclaiming violence and destruction. So the word of the LORD has brought me insult and reproach all day long.

Need that interpreted? “You got me into this and it’s killing me! I’m sick and tired, and I can’t take it anymore.”

But if I say, "I will not mention him or speak any more in his name," his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot.

What’s he saying? “If I could go back on our ‘deal,’ God, I would. But I’m stuck! You are inside the marrow of my bones and as much as I hurt and feel this intense loneliness, I HAVE TO do what you have asked me to do.”

I hear many whispering, "Terror on every side! Report him! Let's report him!" All my friends are waiting for me to slip, saying, "Perhaps he will be deceived; then we will prevail over him and take our revenge on him."

Interpretation: “God, do you see how bad it is for me? Do you care?

But the LORD is with me like a mighty warrior; so my persecutors will stumble and not prevail… Sing to the LORD! Give praise to the LORD! He rescues the life of the needy from the hands of the wicked.

He's saying: Despite how I feel -- this is what I know: You are God. Our praise honors God and changes us…

There’s more… come back.

My Friend Jerry

God is always with us and always for us. He never has and never will abandon us. You know that, right? But I’ll bet that most of you, like me, have had times…maybe even right now…when that truth doesn’t ring true.

You don’t see him with you.
You don’t feel like he’s for you.
You feel abandoned.
You feel alone.

How is it that we can know one thing and feel so differently?

I want to tell you about my friend Jerry. He understood all of those feelings, and still knew the truth that God was always with him.

My friend Jerry is in heaven now; but his story is ongoing. It has a huge continuing impact on me, and I think it just might impact you too. He is worth knowing -- his life, his character, and his God.

Jerry's life was filled with heartache and much loneliness. He grew up in the inner city. He had to go to work at an early age, doing what he could on the streets.

His family didn’t want anything to do with him because he marched to a different drummer. He was misunderstood.

Jerry spent time in prison. He was beaten and had bones broken. When he wasn’t in prison, he lived with whoever would take him in. He did have people who helped him. A man literally pulled him out of a muddy, unused city water cistern his enemies had thrown him in and left him for dead.

Jerry was outspoken and rejected for what he would say -- but he said it anyway. He would stand in public places and warn people about evil. People thought he was crazy. He wasn’t.

Jerry would get upset and depressed when he saw people who did bad things seem to prosper with to have families and money and homes. He didn’t understand that.

He was a writer, and his handwritten manuscripts were his only possession of value. But those who thought he was crazy took his writings and burned them. Jerry started over and wrote again.

One time, he was offered a chance to leave the inner city for a better life. He said, “No,” because he had chosen to live the life he was living, which was calling out to the people on the streets to change their ways... to turn away from the evil in the world -- the greed, the selfishness, the violence, and the destruction sin brings. They never responded.

Jerry never married or fathered a child.

He witnessed his city -- the city he fought for -- burn to the ground.

He spent his life with a couple of friends and a few kind strangers, but mostly alone... EXCEPT…………………Except that God was with him -- on every street corner, in every prison, with every step, in every breath, and that makes all the difference.

My friend Jerry is the prophet Jeremiah in the Old Testament of the Bible. He lived more than 2,500 years ago -- but that was his life. Maybe you can identify with parts of it.

I can.

Come back, there's sooooo much more.

Trashed

This poignant reflection was written by a hurting woman several years ago...

There’s a huge pile of trash in front of my house today. It’s an organized heap of valueless garbage. Fortunately, it’s only there for three days when a man with a truck will be paid to take it away. Still, it makes me feel badly. When you pile trash in front of your home, people notice. Some come out of the woodwork to ask you if you are selling or giving away anything “good.” They make small talk. Others poke through the pile when you go inside. Even more drive by and think to themselves, “My, that’s quite a pile of trash in front of her house.”

When your junk is in the driveway, you feel exposed, like part of the pile itself. Maybe that’s why it’s organized -- and on a tarp. Maybe that way, it’s “acceptable junk.”

Scooping up and bagging the shards of glass, broken tiles, wood scraps, soiled rags, mostly empty paint cans, nails, and sawdust; hauling the twisted metal of former treasures; and stacking the water-damaged peg board and unusable appliances is hard work. Physically, the dust clogs your eyes and nose, and the glass and wood tear at your flesh, even when protected. Emotionally, assembling and exposing the junk pile is wrenching for many reasons, but mostly because it’s not “my” trash. You see, this pile is literally the last remnant of my recently ended marriage.

The symbolism is striking.

The residue of infidelity doesn't go away quickly. It’s sticky. It stains, it stinks, and it leaves trash behind for those caught in the middle to clean up. It, like all sin, is forgivable by a holy and merciful God. Thank you, Lord. But while forgiveness cleanses the soul, it doesn't spot clean the pain -- the junk.

People respond to those thrown to the curb as a result of sin much the same as they do to the literal junk pile. Some are oblivious, some drive by and take note but make no direct comment, some blame the one exposing the junk, and a few take the risk to step into the shards and sawdust.

Brothers and sisters, I beg you to get dirty by meeting “trashed” people in the middle of their messes. This doesn't mean solving their problems, taking on their troubles, pushing your own boundaries, or meddling. It’s likely to be uncomfortable. You won’t say “the right thing” (because it doesn't exist). You could be met with tears.

Do it anyway. Please?

Extend your concern. Affirm their value. Let them know you care. These acts go a long way to turn trash into treasure.

Thank God that people helped me turn trash to treasure.

Want to know God's will for your life?

You and I and the whole family of Christ-followers can:
· Be raised up in Christ
· Have perspective on why we are “here”
· Obey and to submit to Gods ways
· Produce good fruit
· Be unified in purpose and intent with other believers
· Be thankful
· Do everything as unto Christ.
– so much as it depends on each of us.

Those principles are outlined by the Apostle Paul in the first part of Colossians 3. The last part of the chapter explains how to live out the first part of the chapter as principles for family life:

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to win their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.

Much of this text reflects Paul’s letter to the Ephesians which also called for unity through mutual submission in relationships – to God and with each other. Now, be honest, many of us read this and we like parts of Paul’s commands and not others, as if our “fondness” for a given passage of Scripture is the point! And the fact is that Christ-followers often argue about how literally to apply those words.

Don’t get hung up in all that. The “how” to live in the unity he’s calling for boils down to three key points that work as a family plan -- for all successful relationships:
· Be born into the family of God – As a human, submit to your need for a savior. Submit to each other. Be courageous to be real – to be known and connected to others.
· Be parented – As a child of God, commit to obedience – to being guided, taught, disciplined always.
· Be a parent – As a mature believer, “reproduce” in all ways by nurturing others. Win hearts, not control battles. Be responsible, spiritually, for future generations.

There’s a cycle in those steps that parallels all of God’s Word. The whole of Scripture and through many “sub plots” follows this flow: Creation, Fall (failure), Discipline, Provision, Redemption, Re-creation.

Do you want to know what God’s will is for your life? There it is! Be born into the family of God and participate deeply. Be parented by seeking guidance, discipline, and growth. And be a parent by giving back what you’ve learned every chance you get!

Do more of all of these things. Everything else God desires for you will become much, much clearer if you major in these areas and focus on relationships. Invest your gifts in those pursuits, and your life will have seriously powerful Kingdom impact.

Isn’t that what you really want?

Family Values

We are called to reflect God’s character through the display of our relationships. Scary, isn’t it given all the ways we consistently fail to do it day-in and day-out?

The Apostle Paul wrote to believers in Jesus Christ in the city of Colossae concerning the church “family.”

Colossians 2 speaks to why we should labor for unity in our family: to receive the riches/understanding of the mystery of God. Colossians 3 speaks to what is required for functional/unified family to exist.

Paul says:
1Therefore if you have been raised up (set apart/set above/brought into an understanding of truth/matured) with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. 2Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. 3For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God.

4When Christ, who is our life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in glory. 5Therefore consider the members of your earthly body as dead to immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and greed, which amounts to idolatry. 6For it is because of these things that the wrath of God will come upon the sons of disobedience, 7and in them you also once walked, when you were living in them.

That is the path to disunity.

8But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth. 9Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices, 10and have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowledge according to the image of the One who created him …

12So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; 13bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.

That is the path to unity – the fruit Paul describes in Galatians 5.

14Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. 15Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful. 16Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another... (Not perfect harmony without conflict – but unity of purpose)
17Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father.

That’s God’s vision for His family; and those verses are the basis for my family’s values – our purpose to exist as a family. From that purpose Brad and I established the rules and guidelines for our home. That section of Scripture is the “why?” behind the rules, based on God’s design.
All the principles outlined in the text are critical. We are called to the following – regardless of circumstances:
- To be raised up in Christ (different/mature/focused on Him with “eyes up”)
- To have a perspective on why we are “here” (to know and love God -- and to show his glory through our relationships to an unbelieving world)
- To be able to obey to submit to His ways as always the best for us like we really, really, really believe it! – and overcome the dark side of ourselves through transformation
- To produce fruit
- To unity of purpose and intent
- To thankfulness
- To do everything as unto Christ.

Got it? Great!
It’s not all that hard to understand those things. The hard part is living it. The big question is, “HOW?” Given the mess and stress of family connections – and the mess and stress in my own heart – in your heart – how to we get there? Can we get there?

The Meaning of Life

You can pick your friends…You can pick your nose…You can, perhaps, even pick your friend’s nose, although I’d suggest asking for permission first!


But they say you can’t pick your family. Is that true?


Families are defined by biology; but not completely. Family is a concept that everyone endorses. No one disparages the value of close-knit kinship. Everyone dreams of unity and peace. But family definitions and dynamics get pretty complicated, don’t they?


Brad and I are in the process of being approved to adopt a child between 8-12 from foster care. It’s been an enlightening and stretching process. One of our assignments was to draw a family connections map. It’s there on the right.


It was eye-opening to draw all the connections to family and friends. We have good bio-families, but there are dysfunctions. We have divorces that have created complications. Some of our family connections are strong, sweet, and amazingly deep. Some are strained to say the least. The point of the map to me is that family is a wacky, wonderful, frustrating, flowing, fabulous, flawed mess! No family is free of stress, strain, personality conflicts, insensitive or hurtful words and deeds. But we are called to unity of purpose despite the truth that complete, constant harmony is unattainable this side of heaven.


Unity among God’s family has been the plan since Adam was introduced to Eve. It’s our fallen nature that gets in the way. Jesus prayed for all believers – the family of God – in John 17:

May they (all of us) be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. "Father, I want those you have given me (his family) to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. "Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them."

This is the call on all of us as family: Unity of purpose in order to make God and his character known is the meaning of life.

We are called to reflect his character through the display of our relationships. Scary, isn’t it - given all of the complex connections and all the ways we consistently fail to do it day-in and day-out?


Do come back. God has much more to say on this subject.

Get the Weeds By the Roots

God put Brad and I together to really love each other and to expose and pull the pesky weeds when they start to grow in our lives.

I despise weed-pulling, literally and figuratively. Our lawn is prone to thistles. If you catch them early, it’s not too hard to avoid the prickly stubble and yank out the roots. But those suckers grow fast! And when you ignore them for a few days or weeks, they get huge and painful to deal with.

You know where I’m going with this, right? All of our issues and problems in life work this same way. If we don’t remain diligent in acknowledging and dealing with them, they grow and cause pain, frustration, and damage to the good things trying to grow.

Get over it. It will never change this side of heaven. Be committed to seeing and pulling the weeds. Be committed to confronting people and situations early and often.

Dr. Henry Cloud is often quoted addressing this issue. “Your success in relationships, and therefore life, is directly proportional to your ability to confront,” he says.

All the people pleasers reading this are ready to stop. But please don’t. The point is that success in relationships is ours to create – when we confront in truth and with grace.

Brad is the nicest human being I know. He doesn’t have a critical bone in his body. I, on the other hand, have been blessed (?) with the ability to see what needs to be changed in just about any situation. We are probably both too far out in our respective perspectives. That’s why it’s good we are a team.

God has a way of recognizing our need for growth and presenting opportunities. He did this throughout the first year of our marriage. While I can’t go into the details, suffice it to say we were injured physically, financially, legally, and emotionally from attacks that we believe were completely unfounded and unprovoked.

Under those circumstances, I felt two emotions very strongly: fear and anger. I was afraid that my life would be destroyed in a number of ways. I was angry because I truly believed we had done nothing to engender such wrath.

It took months and months of “spinning” on the specifics to realize that obsessing on the specifics gets you nowhere and keeps you there. I had feared answering the phone, opening the door, or going to the mailbox. I had feared test results. I had feared fear. I had spent a great deal of time protesting, as well.

Finally, with the help of good friends, a lot of prayer, and the promptings of the Holy Spirit, we began to ask God what He was trying to teach us. This turned out to be a much more productive question than, “Why us?”

We learned that we didn’t trust Him enough. We were striving to achieve some outcomes and prevent others. Faced with the cold reality that we had no control over either, we gave up the fight for it. We confronted our situations by surrendering the outcomes to God. and changing our focus from protest to doing “the next right thing” or making the next right decision.

Confronting your circumstances by surrendering the outcomes to God and dealing with others in truth and grace is the difficult, but effective key to peace in your lives.

Come back! As always, there’s more.

Watermelon craving upsets the apple cart

After accepting God’s specific unconditional love for me and accepting the enduring love of other human beings who knew all of me and loved me anyway, I was happy. That was three years ago. I had no idea how much better it could and would get!

I had started running and was really getting into great shape, which added to my happiness. After a run one late summer day, I went to Meijer to buy watermelon. There, I ran into a former co-worker and friend, Dennis.

We hadn’t seen each other in a couple years, so we chatted in the produce section to catch up on each other’s life. At one point he said, “I have this friend you should meet. Every time I see him, I think of you. You two have a lot in common.”

My internal response was, “Dude, I haven’t had a date in two years. My life is going well. Who wants to ruin that?” But I said, “Really? It’s nice that you’d think of me.”

We dropped it and went our separate shopping ways.

I didn’t think much more about it until three months later when my phone rang. It was Dennis.
“Remember that friend I told you about? I had lunch with him today. You have to meet him!” he said.

Internally, I responded, “I don’t want to do this.” To Dennis I said, “Fine. I’ll get the monkey off my back so I can say I’ve been on a date.”

We set up a date. Both of us called our best friends on the way to the restaurant asking for prayer and how to bring up the “God thing.” Both best friends told us to relax and let things happen.

They did.

We talked for four hours – mostly about God and his impact in our lives.

I had met a man, who is now my husband of two years, who doesn’t need superwoman and who chose me because of how God is reflected in my life. Plus, he still loves me in the times when God isn’t reflected well in my life.

It’s remains a process of transformation in me. I default to superwoman under stress. I still get caught up in lies from the past whispered in my ear. But I do know that God put Brad and I together to really love each other – which includes all the good stuff -- but also to expose and pull the pesky weeds when they start to grow in our lives. It’s continual work, and it grows us closer to God and to each other. I am so grateful for all of it.

Come back to see the rest of the story about the “weed patches” that have tested our faith and resolve!

Transformation is a Marathon, not a Sprint

In the spring of 1999, I became a new person by accepting Jesus as my savior and life’s leader. Like any newly birthed baby, I needed time to grow, learn, and mature. Not heeding that wisdom, I was married that November. I sincerely wanted the marriage to honor God, and I believed it would. But despite an amazing deepening of my relationship with God, an incredible thirst for truth that had led me to attend Lincoln Christian Seminary, and a passion to please God in the right way, I found myself in the middle of a divorce in 2005.

There was an immense amount of heartache involved, as you might imagine. More than anything, I didn’t want to dishonor God; and divorce hurts his heart. It’s not his plan. Still, I had to let go of superman and realize that my attempts to “hold everything together” weren’t helping. Ouch! Once again, I’d been rewarded and praised for my longsuffering, when at a point, I was only making the situation worse.

Life and its circumstances were hard. The house I was trying to sell was all but destroyed in a hailstorm, I had to put my dog to sleep, and I was thrown into a job rotation at work that took away the only comfort zone I had left.

When all is stripped away you have only one thing: God. And he now had my full attention.

I spent hours and hours reading truth from the Bible – and crying – and passing the days. Insights about my dysfunctions began to surface. I was so sick of being dysfunctional. All of that pushed me through the grief to a place I had hope.

I sought input, insight, and help from many friends and an amazing program called “Ultimate Leadership” put on by Christian psychologists and authors John Townsend and Henry Cloud. The premise of the week-long experience is that we are all stuck somewhere, and that wherever we are stuck there is an absence of grace. Such grace is only found through connection with God and others.

At one point during the intensely powerful week, Dr. Townsend responded to a question of mine with the following words: “You just need to go get yourself loved.”

I was crushed – mad, sad, and ashamed. It hurt so badly because it was true. I was still afraid that if people really – REALLY – knew me, they’d reject me. I’ve since learned that is perhaps the most common and most believed lie in the universe. Do not buy it! Believing that lie keeps you from connecting deeply.

I discovered that I wouldn’t let anyone in far enough to truly know if I could be loved unconditionally. Consequently, I’d been picking people (unconsciously) who couldn’t or wouldn’t love me in that way. It’s twisted, but it’s very common.

Ultimate Leadership forced me to accept the love of seven strangers with whom I spent many hours sharing with and learning from through small group experiences. I had to believe they loved me, because as crazy as it sounds, I’d grown to love them – really love them – in a week. We were vulnerable enough to be known to one another. In going to that vulnerable place, we had conflict and stepped on each others’ toes and issues. But we didn’t (couldn’t) back away from the conflict and worked through the hurts and hang-ups to come out on the other side as a tightly bonded family of folks looking to be healthy in relationships. It literally changed my life.

It also forced me to risk fully exposing myself with friends back home. God’s workout plan for you when you hit the core issue is tough! But it is all about obedience.

I went crashing through and dragging myself over hurdle after hurdle of insecurity for many months. It was very painful. And it came with the joy of the true love experience with four friends and the surprise rejection of the love opportunity from another.

My workout plan came with the help of a good Christian counselor. At the end of that season, I had gone and gotten myself loved. The truly new me accepted God’s specific unconditional love for just me and the enduring love of four other human beings who knew all of me and loved me anyway. It was an amazing time. I had graduated from seminary and knew the rest of my life would be about living loved and loving well . I also knew I would share that message with all who would listen. I was happy.

There’s still more… do come back!

Superman and The Bride

For my 5th birthday, I wanted, in fact I begged for, a wedding cake and a Superman suit.

That pretty much tells you everything you need to know about me and the challenges I’ve faced in life:
· I needed to have people “pick me”
· I desired to be all-powerful.


It’s kind of cute -- when you’re five.
The journey to the end of those dreams took another 30 years.

As a child, I learned to “please” – teachers, parents, coaches, or any other authority figure. I became an overachiever. I thought it was a great thing. I was rewarded and praised for my efforts. Superman (or Superwoman in this case) was being realized. And while it wasn’t all bad to be an achiever, it led to real issues with pride. I found my worth in my efforts and felt compelled to keep excelling above and beyond my “last at-bat.”

Dealing with “the bride” was a different story. While I took pride in my accomplishments, I was terribly insecure in relationships. I was never the prettiest girl, and always became guys’ “buddy.” Feeling unworthy of being chosen by boys or men who I considered out of my league, I ended up picking whoever picked me. That was not a good plan. It led to issues with codependency. I worked hard to try to make people love me – to make them treat me well by doing more than my share in the relationship. I didn’t realize the disasters those good intentions would bring.

I woke up at age 35 with the job, car, house I wanted. I had friends. I was respected in many circles of work and civic life. I was a leader. It wasn’t a tragic life – except I didn’t have a single relationship that was about deeply loving each other for who we are. And that is tragic!

I began seeking answers – seeking truth. My struggle started on an intellectual level, but what I needed was the kind of relationship I thought I couldn’t have. I needed that relationship with God.

God needed and used a 2x4 to wrestle me to submission. My fight was out of fear – fear of having been wrong for 35 years. That was a HUGE hurdle. Sometimes even when we know we are going the wrong way it can seem too much to turn around and start over. But that’s the only thing that really makes sense. Why do we do that?

Although I really feared that letting go of control would be a tragic loss, that act of surrender opened the door to something so much better and exposed the lie that I ever had any “control” to begin with!

In my bedroom in the middle of the night during the spring of 1999, I told God I was afraid – afraid that what I wanted to believe (the truth about who Jesus was as my personal savior) wasn’t really true. What would I do if that proved untrue? I would know I was wrong and have nothing to believe in! That’s scared me so much. But I told him that I would choose to trust him and see what happened.

That surrender was powerful. It changed everything – but not all at once. This is where the story really starts.

I was a new creature, but I wasn’t “over” my dysfunctions – the pride and codependency.

Can you identify with me?
Come back for “the rest of the story.”