Transformation is a Marathon, not a Sprint

In the spring of 1999, I became a new person by accepting Jesus as my savior and life’s leader. Like any newly birthed baby, I needed time to grow, learn, and mature. Not heeding that wisdom, I was married that November. I sincerely wanted the marriage to honor God, and I believed it would. But despite an amazing deepening of my relationship with God, an incredible thirst for truth that had led me to attend Lincoln Christian Seminary, and a passion to please God in the right way, I found myself in the middle of a divorce in 2005.

There was an immense amount of heartache involved, as you might imagine. More than anything, I didn’t want to dishonor God; and divorce hurts his heart. It’s not his plan. Still, I had to let go of superman and realize that my attempts to “hold everything together” weren’t helping. Ouch! Once again, I’d been rewarded and praised for my longsuffering, when at a point, I was only making the situation worse.

Life and its circumstances were hard. The house I was trying to sell was all but destroyed in a hailstorm, I had to put my dog to sleep, and I was thrown into a job rotation at work that took away the only comfort zone I had left.

When all is stripped away you have only one thing: God. And he now had my full attention.

I spent hours and hours reading truth from the Bible – and crying – and passing the days. Insights about my dysfunctions began to surface. I was so sick of being dysfunctional. All of that pushed me through the grief to a place I had hope.

I sought input, insight, and help from many friends and an amazing program called “Ultimate Leadership” put on by Christian psychologists and authors John Townsend and Henry Cloud. The premise of the week-long experience is that we are all stuck somewhere, and that wherever we are stuck there is an absence of grace. Such grace is only found through connection with God and others.

At one point during the intensely powerful week, Dr. Townsend responded to a question of mine with the following words: “You just need to go get yourself loved.”

I was crushed – mad, sad, and ashamed. It hurt so badly because it was true. I was still afraid that if people really – REALLY – knew me, they’d reject me. I’ve since learned that is perhaps the most common and most believed lie in the universe. Do not buy it! Believing that lie keeps you from connecting deeply.

I discovered that I wouldn’t let anyone in far enough to truly know if I could be loved unconditionally. Consequently, I’d been picking people (unconsciously) who couldn’t or wouldn’t love me in that way. It’s twisted, but it’s very common.

Ultimate Leadership forced me to accept the love of seven strangers with whom I spent many hours sharing with and learning from through small group experiences. I had to believe they loved me, because as crazy as it sounds, I’d grown to love them – really love them – in a week. We were vulnerable enough to be known to one another. In going to that vulnerable place, we had conflict and stepped on each others’ toes and issues. But we didn’t (couldn’t) back away from the conflict and worked through the hurts and hang-ups to come out on the other side as a tightly bonded family of folks looking to be healthy in relationships. It literally changed my life.

It also forced me to risk fully exposing myself with friends back home. God’s workout plan for you when you hit the core issue is tough! But it is all about obedience.

I went crashing through and dragging myself over hurdle after hurdle of insecurity for many months. It was very painful. And it came with the joy of the true love experience with four friends and the surprise rejection of the love opportunity from another.

My workout plan came with the help of a good Christian counselor. At the end of that season, I had gone and gotten myself loved. The truly new me accepted God’s specific unconditional love for just me and the enduring love of four other human beings who knew all of me and loved me anyway. It was an amazing time. I had graduated from seminary and knew the rest of my life would be about living loved and loving well . I also knew I would share that message with all who would listen. I was happy.

There’s still more… do come back!