For my 5th birthday, I wanted, in fact I begged for, a wedding cake and a Superman suit.
That pretty much tells you everything you need to know about me and the challenges I’ve faced in life:
· I needed to have people “pick me”
· I desired to be all-powerful.
It’s kind of cute -- when you’re five.
The journey to the end of those dreams took another 30 years.
As a child, I learned to “please” – teachers, parents, coaches, or any other authority figure. I became an overachiever. I thought it was a great thing. I was rewarded and praised for my efforts. Superman (or Superwoman in this case) was being realized. And while it wasn’t all bad to be an achiever, it led to real issues with pride. I found my worth in my efforts and felt compelled to keep excelling above and beyond my “last at-bat.”
Dealing with “the bride” was a different story. While I took pride in my accomplishments, I was terribly insecure in relationships. I was never the prettiest girl, and always became guys’ “buddy.” Feeling unworthy of being chosen by boys or men who I considered out of my league, I ended up picking whoever picked me. That was not a good plan. It led to issues with codependency. I worked hard to try to make people love me – to make them treat me well by doing more than my share in the relationship. I didn’t realize the disasters those good intentions would bring.
I woke up at age 35 with the job, car, house I wanted. I had friends. I was respected in many circles of work and civic life. I was a leader. It wasn’t a tragic life – except I didn’t have a single relationship that was about deeply loving each other for who we are. And that is tragic!
I began seeking answers – seeking truth. My struggle started on an intellectual level, but what I needed was the kind of relationship I thought I couldn’t have. I needed that relationship with God.
God needed and used a 2x4 to wrestle me to submission. My fight was out of fear – fear of having been wrong for 35 years. That was a HUGE hurdle. Sometimes even when we know we are going the wrong way it can seem too much to turn around and start over. But that’s the only thing that really makes sense. Why do we do that?
Although I really feared that letting go of control would be a tragic loss, that act of surrender opened the door to something so much better and exposed the lie that I ever had any “control” to begin with!
In my bedroom in the middle of the night during the spring of 1999, I told God I was afraid – afraid that what I wanted to believe (the truth about who Jesus was as my personal savior) wasn’t really true. What would I do if that proved untrue? I would know I was wrong and have nothing to believe in! That’s scared me so much. But I told him that I would choose to trust him and see what happened.
That surrender was powerful. It changed everything – but not all at once. This is where the story really starts.
I was a new creature, but I wasn’t “over” my dysfunctions – the pride and codependency.
Can you identify with me?
Come back for “the rest of the story.”
That pretty much tells you everything you need to know about me and the challenges I’ve faced in life:
· I needed to have people “pick me”
· I desired to be all-powerful.
It’s kind of cute -- when you’re five.
The journey to the end of those dreams took another 30 years.
As a child, I learned to “please” – teachers, parents, coaches, or any other authority figure. I became an overachiever. I thought it was a great thing. I was rewarded and praised for my efforts. Superman (or Superwoman in this case) was being realized. And while it wasn’t all bad to be an achiever, it led to real issues with pride. I found my worth in my efforts and felt compelled to keep excelling above and beyond my “last at-bat.”
Dealing with “the bride” was a different story. While I took pride in my accomplishments, I was terribly insecure in relationships. I was never the prettiest girl, and always became guys’ “buddy.” Feeling unworthy of being chosen by boys or men who I considered out of my league, I ended up picking whoever picked me. That was not a good plan. It led to issues with codependency. I worked hard to try to make people love me – to make them treat me well by doing more than my share in the relationship. I didn’t realize the disasters those good intentions would bring.
I woke up at age 35 with the job, car, house I wanted. I had friends. I was respected in many circles of work and civic life. I was a leader. It wasn’t a tragic life – except I didn’t have a single relationship that was about deeply loving each other for who we are. And that is tragic!
I began seeking answers – seeking truth. My struggle started on an intellectual level, but what I needed was the kind of relationship I thought I couldn’t have. I needed that relationship with God.
God needed and used a 2x4 to wrestle me to submission. My fight was out of fear – fear of having been wrong for 35 years. That was a HUGE hurdle. Sometimes even when we know we are going the wrong way it can seem too much to turn around and start over. But that’s the only thing that really makes sense. Why do we do that?
Although I really feared that letting go of control would be a tragic loss, that act of surrender opened the door to something so much better and exposed the lie that I ever had any “control” to begin with!
In my bedroom in the middle of the night during the spring of 1999, I told God I was afraid – afraid that what I wanted to believe (the truth about who Jesus was as my personal savior) wasn’t really true. What would I do if that proved untrue? I would know I was wrong and have nothing to believe in! That’s scared me so much. But I told him that I would choose to trust him and see what happened.
That surrender was powerful. It changed everything – but not all at once. This is where the story really starts.
I was a new creature, but I wasn’t “over” my dysfunctions – the pride and codependency.
Can you identify with me?
Come back for “the rest of the story.”
Great article, Ann! I can definitely identify with you.
ReplyDeleteWell, you've hit the nail on the head so far. Can't wait to read more. I feel privileged to have known the before AND after Ann. We've each been through a lot during the years of our friendship. I hope the experiences have made us both stronger.
ReplyDeleteIt is so amazing to see and share what God has done and is doing in you and through you. He sure speaks to me through you! Keep the story coming - it's wonderful to see it in black and white.
ReplyDeleteThis looks great Ann! You are such a talented writer! I love reading about other people's journeys, it's reassuring to know that others, while they appear to be in order, struggle just as much if not more than you do/did, to get where they are today. Yup...I'm obviously NOT a talented writer, I don't even know if that made sense! Keep it up, I look forward to reading more! Oh, and love the picture!
ReplyDeleteI think many people will identify with what you've written here...we've all been there, one time or another.
ReplyDeleteCan't wait to see more...great blog. (Missed seeing you at CCA, but was on YT in DC with 86 Sr high kids...)