God put Brad and I together to really love each other and to expose and pull the pesky weeds when they start to grow in our lives.
I despise weed-pulling, literally and figuratively. Our lawn is prone to thistles. If you catch them early, it’s not too hard to avoid the prickly stubble and yank out the roots. But those suckers grow fast! And when you ignore them for a few days or weeks, they get huge and painful to deal with.
You know where I’m going with this, right? All of our issues and problems in life work this same way. If we don’t remain diligent in acknowledging and dealing with them, they grow and cause pain, frustration, and damage to the good things trying to grow.
Get over it. It will never change this side of heaven. Be committed to seeing and pulling the weeds. Be committed to confronting people and situations early and often.
Dr. Henry Cloud is often quoted addressing this issue. “Your success in relationships, and therefore life, is directly proportional to your ability to confront,” he says.
All the people pleasers reading this are ready to stop. But please don’t. The point is that success in relationships is ours to create – when we confront in truth and with grace.
Brad is the nicest human being I know. He doesn’t have a critical bone in his body. I, on the other hand, have been blessed (?) with the ability to see what needs to be changed in just about any situation. We are probably both too far out in our respective perspectives. That’s why it’s good we are a team.
God has a way of recognizing our need for growth and presenting opportunities. He did this throughout the first year of our marriage. While I can’t go into the details, suffice it to say we were injured physically, financially, legally, and emotionally from attacks that we believe were completely unfounded and unprovoked.
Under those circumstances, I felt two emotions very strongly: fear and anger. I was afraid that my life would be destroyed in a number of ways. I was angry because I truly believed we had done nothing to engender such wrath.
It took months and months of “spinning” on the specifics to realize that obsessing on the specifics gets you nowhere and keeps you there. I had feared answering the phone, opening the door, or going to the mailbox. I had feared test results. I had feared fear. I had spent a great deal of time protesting, as well.
Finally, with the help of good friends, a lot of prayer, and the promptings of the Holy Spirit, we began to ask God what He was trying to teach us. This turned out to be a much more productive question than, “Why us?”
We learned that we didn’t trust Him enough. We were striving to achieve some outcomes and prevent others. Faced with the cold reality that we had no control over either, we gave up the fight for it. We confronted our situations by surrendering the outcomes to God. and changing our focus from protest to doing “the next right thing” or making the next right decision.
Confronting your circumstances by surrendering the outcomes to God and dealing with others in truth and grace is the difficult, but effective key to peace in your lives.
Come back! As always, there’s more.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Watermelon craving upsets the apple cart
After accepting God’s specific unconditional love for me and accepting the enduring love of other human beings who knew all of me and loved me anyway, I was happy. That was three years ago. I had no idea how much better it could and would get!
I had started running and was really getting into great shape, which added to my happiness. After a run one late summer day, I went to Meijer to buy watermelon. There, I ran into a former co-worker and friend, Dennis.
We hadn’t seen each other in a couple years, so we chatted in the produce section to catch up on each other’s life. At one point he said, “I have this friend you should meet. Every time I see him, I think of you. You two have a lot in common.”
My internal response was, “Dude, I haven’t had a date in two years. My life is going well. Who wants to ruin that?” But I said, “Really? It’s nice that you’d think of me.”
We dropped it and went our separate shopping ways.
I didn’t think much more about it until three months later when my phone rang. It was Dennis.
“Remember that friend I told you about? I had lunch with him today. You have to meet him!” he said.
Internally, I responded, “I don’t want to do this.” To Dennis I said, “Fine. I’ll get the monkey off my back so I can say I’ve been on a date.”
We set up a date. Both of us called our best friends on the way to the restaurant asking for prayer and how to bring up the “God thing.” Both best friends told us to relax and let things happen.
They did.
We talked for four hours – mostly about God and his impact in our lives.
I had met a man, who is now my husband of two years, who doesn’t need superwoman and who chose me because of how God is reflected in my life. Plus, he still loves me in the times when God isn’t reflected well in my life.
It’s remains a process of transformation in me. I default to superwoman under stress. I still get caught up in lies from the past whispered in my ear. But I do know that God put Brad and I together to really love each other – which includes all the good stuff -- but also to expose and pull the pesky weeds when they start to grow in our lives. It’s continual work, and it grows us closer to God and to each other. I am so grateful for all of it.
Come back to see the rest of the story about the “weed patches” that have tested our faith and resolve!
I had started running and was really getting into great shape, which added to my happiness. After a run one late summer day, I went to Meijer to buy watermelon. There, I ran into a former co-worker and friend, Dennis.
We hadn’t seen each other in a couple years, so we chatted in the produce section to catch up on each other’s life. At one point he said, “I have this friend you should meet. Every time I see him, I think of you. You two have a lot in common.”
My internal response was, “Dude, I haven’t had a date in two years. My life is going well. Who wants to ruin that?” But I said, “Really? It’s nice that you’d think of me.”
We dropped it and went our separate shopping ways.
I didn’t think much more about it until three months later when my phone rang. It was Dennis.
“Remember that friend I told you about? I had lunch with him today. You have to meet him!” he said.
Internally, I responded, “I don’t want to do this.” To Dennis I said, “Fine. I’ll get the monkey off my back so I can say I’ve been on a date.”
We set up a date. Both of us called our best friends on the way to the restaurant asking for prayer and how to bring up the “God thing.” Both best friends told us to relax and let things happen.
They did.
We talked for four hours – mostly about God and his impact in our lives.
I had met a man, who is now my husband of two years, who doesn’t need superwoman and who chose me because of how God is reflected in my life. Plus, he still loves me in the times when God isn’t reflected well in my life.
It’s remains a process of transformation in me. I default to superwoman under stress. I still get caught up in lies from the past whispered in my ear. But I do know that God put Brad and I together to really love each other – which includes all the good stuff -- but also to expose and pull the pesky weeds when they start to grow in our lives. It’s continual work, and it grows us closer to God and to each other. I am so grateful for all of it.
Come back to see the rest of the story about the “weed patches” that have tested our faith and resolve!
Monday, June 21, 2010
Transformation is a Marathon, not a Sprint
In the spring of 1999, I became a new person by accepting Jesus as my savior and life’s leader. Like any newly birthed baby, I needed time to grow, learn, and mature. Not heeding that wisdom, I was married that November. I sincerely wanted the marriage to honor God, and I believed it would. But despite an amazing deepening of my relationship with God, an incredible thirst for truth that had led me to attend Lincoln Christian Seminary, and a passion to please God in the right way, I found myself in the middle of a divorce in 2005.
There was an immense amount of heartache involved, as you might imagine. More than anything, I didn’t want to dishonor God; and divorce hurts his heart. It’s not his plan. Still, I had to let go of superman and realize that my attempts to “hold everything together” weren’t helping. Ouch! Once again, I’d been rewarded and praised for my longsuffering, when at a point, I was only making the situation worse.
Life and its circumstances were hard. The house I was trying to sell was all but destroyed in a hailstorm, I had to put my dog to sleep, and I was thrown into a job rotation at work that took away the only comfort zone I had left.
When all is stripped away you have only one thing: God. And he now had my full attention.
I spent hours and hours reading truth from the Bible – and crying – and passing the days. Insights about my dysfunctions began to surface. I was so sick of being dysfunctional. All of that pushed me through the grief to a place I had hope.
I sought input, insight, and help from many friends and an amazing program called “Ultimate Leadership” put on by Christian psychologists and authors John Townsend and Henry Cloud. The premise of the week-long experience is that we are all stuck somewhere, and that wherever we are stuck there is an absence of grace. Such grace is only found through connection with God and others.
At one point during the intensely powerful week, Dr. Townsend responded to a question of mine with the following words: “You just need to go get yourself loved.”
I was crushed – mad, sad, and ashamed. It hurt so badly because it was true. I was still afraid that if people really – REALLY – knew me, they’d reject me. I’ve since learned that is perhaps the most common and most believed lie in the universe. Do not buy it! Believing that lie keeps you from connecting deeply.
I discovered that I wouldn’t let anyone in far enough to truly know if I could be loved unconditionally. Consequently, I’d been picking people (unconsciously) who couldn’t or wouldn’t love me in that way. It’s twisted, but it’s very common.
Ultimate Leadership forced me to accept the love of seven strangers with whom I spent many hours sharing with and learning from through small group experiences. I had to believe they loved me, because as crazy as it sounds, I’d grown to love them – really love them – in a week. We were vulnerable enough to be known to one another. In going to that vulnerable place, we had conflict and stepped on each others’ toes and issues. But we didn’t (couldn’t) back away from the conflict and worked through the hurts and hang-ups to come out on the other side as a tightly bonded family of folks looking to be healthy in relationships. It literally changed my life.
It also forced me to risk fully exposing myself with friends back home. God’s workout plan for you when you hit the core issue is tough! But it is all about obedience.
I went crashing through and dragging myself over hurdle after hurdle of insecurity for many months. It was very painful. And it came with the joy of the true love experience with four friends and the surprise rejection of the love opportunity from another.
My workout plan came with the help of a good Christian counselor. At the end of that season, I had gone and gotten myself loved. The truly new me accepted God’s specific unconditional love for just me and the enduring love of four other human beings who knew all of me and loved me anyway. It was an amazing time. I had graduated from seminary and knew the rest of my life would be about living loved and loving well . I also knew I would share that message with all who would listen. I was happy.
There’s still more… do come back!
There was an immense amount of heartache involved, as you might imagine. More than anything, I didn’t want to dishonor God; and divorce hurts his heart. It’s not his plan. Still, I had to let go of superman and realize that my attempts to “hold everything together” weren’t helping. Ouch! Once again, I’d been rewarded and praised for my longsuffering, when at a point, I was only making the situation worse.
Life and its circumstances were hard. The house I was trying to sell was all but destroyed in a hailstorm, I had to put my dog to sleep, and I was thrown into a job rotation at work that took away the only comfort zone I had left.
When all is stripped away you have only one thing: God. And he now had my full attention.
I spent hours and hours reading truth from the Bible – and crying – and passing the days. Insights about my dysfunctions began to surface. I was so sick of being dysfunctional. All of that pushed me through the grief to a place I had hope.
I sought input, insight, and help from many friends and an amazing program called “Ultimate Leadership” put on by Christian psychologists and authors John Townsend and Henry Cloud. The premise of the week-long experience is that we are all stuck somewhere, and that wherever we are stuck there is an absence of grace. Such grace is only found through connection with God and others.
At one point during the intensely powerful week, Dr. Townsend responded to a question of mine with the following words: “You just need to go get yourself loved.”
I was crushed – mad, sad, and ashamed. It hurt so badly because it was true. I was still afraid that if people really – REALLY – knew me, they’d reject me. I’ve since learned that is perhaps the most common and most believed lie in the universe. Do not buy it! Believing that lie keeps you from connecting deeply.
I discovered that I wouldn’t let anyone in far enough to truly know if I could be loved unconditionally. Consequently, I’d been picking people (unconsciously) who couldn’t or wouldn’t love me in that way. It’s twisted, but it’s very common.
Ultimate Leadership forced me to accept the love of seven strangers with whom I spent many hours sharing with and learning from through small group experiences. I had to believe they loved me, because as crazy as it sounds, I’d grown to love them – really love them – in a week. We were vulnerable enough to be known to one another. In going to that vulnerable place, we had conflict and stepped on each others’ toes and issues. But we didn’t (couldn’t) back away from the conflict and worked through the hurts and hang-ups to come out on the other side as a tightly bonded family of folks looking to be healthy in relationships. It literally changed my life.
It also forced me to risk fully exposing myself with friends back home. God’s workout plan for you when you hit the core issue is tough! But it is all about obedience.
I went crashing through and dragging myself over hurdle after hurdle of insecurity for many months. It was very painful. And it came with the joy of the true love experience with four friends and the surprise rejection of the love opportunity from another.
My workout plan came with the help of a good Christian counselor. At the end of that season, I had gone and gotten myself loved. The truly new me accepted God’s specific unconditional love for just me and the enduring love of four other human beings who knew all of me and loved me anyway. It was an amazing time. I had graduated from seminary and knew the rest of my life would be about living loved and loving well . I also knew I would share that message with all who would listen. I was happy.
There’s still more… do come back!
Friday, June 18, 2010
Superman and The Bride
For my 5th birthday, I wanted, in fact I begged for, a wedding cake and a Superman suit.
That pretty much tells you everything you need to know about me and the challenges I’ve faced in life:
· I needed to have people “pick me”
· I desired to be all-powerful.
It’s kind of cute -- when you’re five.
The journey to the end of those dreams took another 30 years.
As a child, I learned to “please” – teachers, parents, coaches, or any other authority figure. I became an overachiever. I thought it was a great thing. I was rewarded and praised for my efforts. Superman (or Superwoman in this case) was being realized. And while it wasn’t all bad to be an achiever, it led to real issues with pride. I found my worth in my efforts and felt compelled to keep excelling above and beyond my “last at-bat.”
Dealing with “the bride” was a different story. While I took pride in my accomplishments, I was terribly insecure in relationships. I was never the prettiest girl, and always became guys’ “buddy.” Feeling unworthy of being chosen by boys or men who I considered out of my league, I ended up picking whoever picked me. That was not a good plan. It led to issues with codependency. I worked hard to try to make people love me – to make them treat me well by doing more than my share in the relationship. I didn’t realize the disasters those good intentions would bring.
I woke up at age 35 with the job, car, house I wanted. I had friends. I was respected in many circles of work and civic life. I was a leader. It wasn’t a tragic life – except I didn’t have a single relationship that was about deeply loving each other for who we are. And that is tragic!
I began seeking answers – seeking truth. My struggle started on an intellectual level, but what I needed was the kind of relationship I thought I couldn’t have. I needed that relationship with God.
God needed and used a 2x4 to wrestle me to submission. My fight was out of fear – fear of having been wrong for 35 years. That was a HUGE hurdle. Sometimes even when we know we are going the wrong way it can seem too much to turn around and start over. But that’s the only thing that really makes sense. Why do we do that?
Although I really feared that letting go of control would be a tragic loss, that act of surrender opened the door to something so much better and exposed the lie that I ever had any “control” to begin with!
In my bedroom in the middle of the night during the spring of 1999, I told God I was afraid – afraid that what I wanted to believe (the truth about who Jesus was as my personal savior) wasn’t really true. What would I do if that proved untrue? I would know I was wrong and have nothing to believe in! That’s scared me so much. But I told him that I would choose to trust him and see what happened.
That surrender was powerful. It changed everything – but not all at once. This is where the story really starts.
I was a new creature, but I wasn’t “over” my dysfunctions – the pride and codependency.
Can you identify with me?
Come back for “the rest of the story.”
That pretty much tells you everything you need to know about me and the challenges I’ve faced in life:
· I needed to have people “pick me”
· I desired to be all-powerful.
It’s kind of cute -- when you’re five.
The journey to the end of those dreams took another 30 years.
As a child, I learned to “please” – teachers, parents, coaches, or any other authority figure. I became an overachiever. I thought it was a great thing. I was rewarded and praised for my efforts. Superman (or Superwoman in this case) was being realized. And while it wasn’t all bad to be an achiever, it led to real issues with pride. I found my worth in my efforts and felt compelled to keep excelling above and beyond my “last at-bat.”
Dealing with “the bride” was a different story. While I took pride in my accomplishments, I was terribly insecure in relationships. I was never the prettiest girl, and always became guys’ “buddy.” Feeling unworthy of being chosen by boys or men who I considered out of my league, I ended up picking whoever picked me. That was not a good plan. It led to issues with codependency. I worked hard to try to make people love me – to make them treat me well by doing more than my share in the relationship. I didn’t realize the disasters those good intentions would bring.
I woke up at age 35 with the job, car, house I wanted. I had friends. I was respected in many circles of work and civic life. I was a leader. It wasn’t a tragic life – except I didn’t have a single relationship that was about deeply loving each other for who we are. And that is tragic!
I began seeking answers – seeking truth. My struggle started on an intellectual level, but what I needed was the kind of relationship I thought I couldn’t have. I needed that relationship with God.
God needed and used a 2x4 to wrestle me to submission. My fight was out of fear – fear of having been wrong for 35 years. That was a HUGE hurdle. Sometimes even when we know we are going the wrong way it can seem too much to turn around and start over. But that’s the only thing that really makes sense. Why do we do that?
Although I really feared that letting go of control would be a tragic loss, that act of surrender opened the door to something so much better and exposed the lie that I ever had any “control” to begin with!
In my bedroom in the middle of the night during the spring of 1999, I told God I was afraid – afraid that what I wanted to believe (the truth about who Jesus was as my personal savior) wasn’t really true. What would I do if that proved untrue? I would know I was wrong and have nothing to believe in! That’s scared me so much. But I told him that I would choose to trust him and see what happened.
That surrender was powerful. It changed everything – but not all at once. This is where the story really starts.
I was a new creature, but I wasn’t “over” my dysfunctions – the pride and codependency.
Can you identify with me?
Come back for “the rest of the story.”
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